Epiphany
by boysaresmelly
Summary: HPDM Set in Harry's 7th year at Hogwarts. Harry's suffering but no-one seems to notice. However, can a new friendship provide the strength and comfort Harry so desperately seeks?
1. Thoughts and Thunderstorms

Hey. This is my first attempt at a fanfic so please review and tell me what you think. I would really appreciate any feedback at all, good or bad.  
  
DISCALIMER: I don't claim to own any of the characters or anything in the story. It all belongs to J K Rowling and I'm just borrowing them for my story!  
  
Warning: This story contains adult themes that some people may find disturbing such as male/male relationships and also depression and cutting. Please do not flame if these themes offend you in anyway. Just don't read the story!  
  
Thank you and on with the first chapter...

**Epiphany **

**Chapter 1: Thoughts and Thunderstorms**  
  
Thunderstorms were terrorising the whole of Britain and Little Whinging was no exception. The once pristine gardens of Privet Drive were now waterlogged and the gutters were overflowing from the sheer amount of rain. The streets were deserted and the only sign of life came from the flickering of television sets from behind closed curtains. The only house which was devoid of the constant flickering was number 4.

The usual residents, the Dursleys, had gone away to France for 2 weeks and so far had managed to avoid the worst of the weather. However, the house was not deserted. In the smallest bedroom, curled up on the small bed there, lay Harry Potter, the saviour of the Wizarding world.

He was fast asleep and lost in a world of dreams. His dreams, however, were far from pleasant. Nearly every time Harry fell asleep he would see his godfather, Sirius Black, looking back at him from beyond the veil, where he had fallen in Harry's 5th year. Every night Harry would replay the events of that night over and over in his mind and try to rescue Sirius but no matter how hard he tried Sirius kept falling through the veil and there was nothing Harry could do to save him. He often woke up in a cold sweat and would then cry himself into a fitful sleep full of thoughts of death and helplessness.

On the occasions when it all got too much for Harry he had taken to releasing the pain he was feeling another way. He had managed to sneak one of Petunia's pairs of scissors up to his room and he had hidden them under the floorboard along with his most prized possessions; his wand and his family photo album.

Some nights he would take out the scissors, roll up his sleeves and make a few shallow cuts along his arms. He never cut deep enough to do any serious damage, just enough to help ease the pain he was feeling at the loss of Sirius. He still blamed himself for what had happened even though he had been told countless times that it wasn't his fault.

In Harry's mind it was his fault. He had led everyone to the Department of Mysteries. He had not only led his friends into extreme danger but he had gotten his godfather killed in the process and now there was no way to bring him back.

Harry's 6th year had passed by in a bit of a blur. Ron and Hermione had finally admitted their feelings for each other and had spent the year making up for what they called "lost time". Harry was happy for them he had found himself wishing more than once that they would stop 'making up for lost time' as much as they were. Harry had taken to making excuses to spend time alone and he spent many hours sat on the ledge of the astronomy tower staring into the distance letting his thoughts wander. Ron and Hermione were too wrapped up in themselves to notice anything different about him and Harry liked it this way.

Harry had also got sick and tired of the constant bickering with the Slytherins and he had approached them about a truce between them and himself. He was half expecting to get hexed within an inch of his life and so was shocked when they agreed. The thing that astounded Harry the most was that it had been Draco Malfoy who had agreed first. He had extended his hand and Harry had only hesitated slightly before taking it. Since then Harry and the Slytherins had not had any confrontations and were managing to be civil towards one another. On a few occasions Harry had even been invited to the infamous 'Secret Slytherin' parties although he had always politely declined the invitation, preferring to spend his evenings in the Astronomy Tower or taking a walk around the lake.

No-one at Hogwarts seemed to notice that Harry was slowly closing in on himself they all seemed too preoccupied with their own affairs. Ron and Hermione were together, Seamus and Dean were exploring new angles on their friendship and towards the end of 6th year Neville and Ginny had hesitantly got together and were trying to hide it from Ron.

The teachers were all caught up in the threat of Voldemort and Dumbledore had spent most of his time with the Order trying to fight the attacks that were happening on Muggle villages all over Britain. Harry had expected to have another encounter with Voldemort but the year came and went without much trouble.

Harry still had visions from his scar but he had come to accept them as a part of his life and with the silencing charms he placed around his bed every night no-one had noticed his screams when the pain got too much. He had of course reported everything he saw to Dumbledore like he was supposed to but it seemed that he was becoming less and less useful and had begun to stop telling Dumbledore as much unless it was very important.

The year ended uneventfully and Harry soon found himself back at Privet Drive with the Durselys.

---

Harry sat awake with a start. He rubbed his eyes and reached for his glasses. He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks but he made no attempt to stop them. Once again he had dreamt about Sirius and him falling through the veil. He let the familiar feeling of hopelessness surround him and he reached for the loose floorboard.

He pulled out the pair of Petunias scissors and just held them in his hand for a while, feeling the weight of them. His mind was full of thoughts of Sirius accompanied by thoughts of how he had failed everyone by leading them into such danger. He felt useless and pathetic. He opened the scissors and slowly ran his finger along the sharp edge on each side.

It had been 3 days since he had last taken the scissors out and he absent-mindedly ran his finger along the scars that were left behind. With tears freely rolling down his cheeks Harry put the blade to his skin and pressed down.

He felt the scissors pierce the skin and as he dragged them along his arm he watched the blood run out from the cut. He felt slightly better, as though he was getting what he deserved. He made a second cut, this time he pressed harder feeling the metal slicing through his pale white skin. He felt angry at himself and as his anger built so did the frequency and severity of the cuts.

After about ten cuts he laid the scissors aside and watched as the blood flowed freely form both his arms. He sat like this for a few minutes before wrapping tissues around the wounds and walking through to the bathroom to remove the rest of the blood.

When he returned to the small bedroom he sat on the windowsill staring out at the rain that was still going as hard as ever. He let his mind wander freely. He would be returning to Hogwarts tomorrow to begin his final year at the place he had come to think of as his home. He dreaded to think what he would do after his graduation.

That was of course if he lived to see his graduation. After hearing the prophecy in his 5th year Harry thought that when the final battle finally came, it would be more likely that he would be the one to perish. After all what chance has a 17 year old wizard got against the greatest Dark Lord since Grindenwald?

Looking at the clock Harry saw that it was already 4am and knowing that he had to be awake early in order to get a taxi to the train station he lay back in his bed and promptly fell asleep until his alarm went off 5hours later.

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So what did you think? Review =o)


	2. Unexpected Revelations

Hey. This is my first attempt at a fanfic so please review and tell me what you think. I would really appreciate any feedback at all, good or bad.  
  
DISCALIMER: I don't claim to own any of the characters or anything in the story. It all belongs to J K Rowling and I'm just borrowing them for my story!  
  
Warning: This story contains adult themes that some people may find disturbing such as male/male relationships and also depression and cutting. Please do not flame if these themes offend you in anyway. Just don't read the story!  
  
Thank you and on with the first chapter...  
  
Chapter 2: Unexpected Revelations  
  
Harry sat alone in a cabin on the Hogwart's Express staring out the window at the hills and valleys that were rushing by the window. Ron and Hermione had disappeared to find an empty cabin to have to themselves and then Harry knew they would be doing their prefect duties, so he doubted he would see them until they departed from the train.  
  
Harry didn't mind being by himself. In fact he preferred it because it not only meant he had time alone to think but also he didn't have to endure countless questions about his summer and was he "alright". However much he hated lying to his friends Harry always tried to act happy and carefree around them. He didn't want them to worry about him. He knew that they had problems of their own to sort out and he didn't want them to waste their time worrying about him.  
  
As he stared out the window he let his fingers travel lightly over the scars that had been left from the previous night and nights before that. They were mostly shallow cuts but they were still tender to touch. As his fingers travelled along the angry red marks he thought back to the feeling of relief he had experienced as the scissors had cut into him. It was this feeling that made him keep going. When he felt the blade cut into his skin he felt like he was getting just what he deserved and by doing this he was punishing himself for being so weak and letting Sirius go.  
  
He often wondered what it would be like if he made the cuts a little deeper and a few times, when he was feeling particularly low, he had tried it and found that it still offered the same amount of relief but the scar had lasted a while longer. He ran his fingers over the two red scabs where he had cut deeper. The marks were still there even though it had been a week and a half since he made them.  
  
In a way Harry was scared to cut much deeper because he didn't want to kill himself. He knew that he had to defeat Voldemort before he could do that. He knew that the fate of the wizarding world rested on his shoulders and he wasn't about to leave them all in the lurch because he was feeling depressed. Every night he thought about the inevitable final battle. He knew that Voldemort had to be defeated but what about after that? What would the wizarding world expect of him next? Harry dreamed of being able to live in the country somewhere in a little cottage and hopefully someday start his own family. But who would want to be with him?  
  
Harry closed his eyes and leant his head back against the seat and took a few deep breaths, in and out. He would not let himself cry, not this time. He turned his line of thinking to the year ahead. It was his final year at Hogwarts. He was captain of the Quidditch team and the DA was set to take up a lot of his time. Dumbledore had encouraged the training and numbers had almost tripled. Harry continued to lead the group alone although the teachers did help now and again. He enjoyed running the DA. IT gave him time to focus his attention on something productive. He knew that he would have a busy year with all his extra curricular activities and the four NEWT's he would be sitting at the end of the year.  
  
As Harry's thoughts drifted the cabin door slowly slid open and Draco Malfoy slipped in and sat opposite Harry.  
  
"Potter"  
  
"Malfoy"  
  
They greeted each other with a nod. Towards the end of 6th year they had become quite good friends but they still refused to be on first name terms. Not everyone agreed with the friendship of the "Boy who Lived" and a Malfoy but no matter what was said to either of them they stayed civil to each other and sometimes even had a good laugh.  
  
"Good summer Malfoy?"  
  
"It was alright. Went to France with mother and visited father a few times but other than that mostly just stayed around the manor. What about you?"  
  
"Same as usual really, just stayed in the house."  
  
"I see. So where is the weasel and Granger?"  
  
"Don't really know. They disappeared about an hour ago and I haven't seen them since. What about you? Not accompanied by the two great oafs today?"  
  
"No they're down the front of the train stuffing their faces with sweets and I decided to go for a walk."  
  
"Oh," said Harry quietly. He could feel his emotions welling up again at the mention of Ron and Hermione. They had hardly paid him any attention and over the summer he had hardly heard from them. Not that he blamed them. He wasn't exactly the best person to have as a friend. Normally all his friends ended up getting hurt in some way. He still felt lonely without them though but he knew better than to force himself upon them.  
  
Harry sighed deeply and went back to staring absentmindedly out of the window.  
  
Draco watched him intently. Harry hadn't been the same Harry he knew recently. They had made their truce in 6th year but even before that Harry hadn't responded to any jabs Draco had made towards him. He had also noticed that Harry spent more time alone now. He would hate to admit it but Harry had him worried.  
  
Draco watched as Harry's fingers lightly ran over his arm. He wasn't sure what exactly Harry was doing but as he looked closer he saw red marks along his arm and what looked like a lot of dried blood.  
  
'What on earth has Potter been doing?' he thought immediately becoming concerned for the boy opposite him.  
  
"Potter?"  
  
Harry looked up at him curiously, coming out of his daze. "Yeah Malfoy?"  
  
"Ermm...what are you...what are those marks?" he asked quietly pointing to Harry's arm.  
  
'Shit' Harry thought. He immediately pulled his robe over his arm.  
  
"They're nothing, just...just fell over and scratched it. That's all."  
  
Harry desperately hoped Draco would buy his lame excuse. He couldn't let him find out. Not the boy who had been his enemy, making his life hell up until last year. He turned back to the window hoping Draco would drop the subject.  
  
Draco moved so that he was sitting next to Harry and grabbed his arm, making Harry wince in the process.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Draco pulled up Harry's sleeve and gasped at what he saw. The angry red marks shocked him and the two large scabs almost made him want to vomit. He ran his finger along a shallow cut. Harry hung his head but refused to look Draco in the face. He was beyond ashamed. No-one was meant to find out.  
  
"Potter, I think we need to talk about this"  
  
Well there you go, chapter 2! Tell me what you think. It was originally going to be a bit longer but I thought they should have the conversation in a separate chapter. Please review with a good or bad response I don't mind. Just want to know if people are reading my story and what they think of it. Thank you to all the lovely people who reviewed the last chapter. Hope you enjoy this one aswell even though not a lot really happens. I am trying to put a bit give you all a bit of background before anything really happens. If you want me to continue I should probably get a beta because when it comes to dialogue I'm not very good at writing it so if anyone would like to volunteer for the job either send me an e-mail or a review and I shall get back to you. Thank you. 


	3. Sometimes we all just need a friend

Hey. This is my first attempt at a fanfic so please review and tell me what you think. I would really appreciate any feedback at all, good or bad.

DISCALIMER: I don't claim to own any of the characters or anything in the story. It all belongs to J K Rowling and I'm just borrowing them for my story!

Warning: This story contains adult themes that some people may find disturbing such as male/male relationships and also depression and cutting. Please do not flame if these themes offend you in anyway. Just don't read the story!

Thank you

---

Chapter 3: Sometimes we all just need a friend

---

"Potter, I think we need to talk about this"

Harry hastily pulled down the sleeve of his robes and curled up in a tight ball in the corner of the seat.

"Leave it Malfoy," he mumbled.

"I can't Potter." Draco reached out and gently laid his hand on Harry's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

Harry started to let the tears fall. He didn't want it to be like this. It couldn't be like this. No-one was meant to find out. It wasn't anything serious anyway. It wasn't like he really was trying to kill himself. At least that's what he kept telling himself. And now his whole world collapsed around him. Malfoy, the person Harry least wanted to find out about his current state, knew about it. Harry felt Draco's arm on his shoulder but he shrugged it off. He didn't need to be comforted; he needed to be left alone.

"Please, just leave it. Please?" Harry's pleas could only just be heard s his head was currently buried in his robes.

Draco looked at Harry's frail frame cowering in the corner of the cabin and he was suddenly overcome with a want to help the poor boy. It didn't matter to him that up until last year the boy had been his sworn enemy. It didn't matter that the boy was the same boy who had sent his father to prison two years ago. It didn't matter that the boy was the Boy who Lived. He just wanted to help him.

Words failed him and for a few minutes he just sat staring at the bundle of clothes. He didn't quite know what to say. It was obvious Harry didn't want help but he knew that Harry needed help. His voice had sounded so weak as he had asked him to "leave it". Draco hated to admit it but it pained him to hear the boy who had always sounded so defiant, so strong, sound so weak and helpless.

Draco slid off the seat and made it so that he was kneeling on the floor in front of the bundle that was Harry Potter.

"Look, I know I'm probably the last person that you want to know about this and I'm sorry, but the fact is that I do know and I want to help you. I know that we've never really been the best of friends. My father was probably to blame for that, although I suppose I should take some of the blame as well. But the fact of the matter is that I want to help you and Malfoys always get what they want." Draco let out a slight chuckle but on seeing no response from Harry he carried on.

"I don't know why you did what you did but there must be something really wrong that you're not telling anyone, and it's not good you know, to keep it all bottled up inside. Talking really does help. And even if not talking then sometimes writing how you feel down?" Draco paused. This wasn't going how he had planned it in his head.

"Listen I really don't know what to do in this situation. It's new to me but I'm not going to let you go through whatever you're going through alone. I want to be your friend and I want to help you through this. I can't let it drop. I'm sorry but I can't."

Draco sat up on his knees so that he was leaning over Harry. He slowly reached up and pulled the robes from around Harry's head to reveal Harry's tear stained face.

"Please. Let me be your friend and let me at least try to help you?"

Draco sat back on his heels and waited for some sort of response from Harry.

Harry listened as Draco spoke. The tears continued to roll down his cheeks and he couldn't make them stop. It was all his fault and now he had gotten Draco involved. He was surprised when Draco had offered his help but Harry knew that he couldn't accept it. He couldn't drag another person into his life. It only meant suffering for that person. It was a fact that people weren't safe when they were near Harry and Harry would never forget that.

As he sat curled up listening to Draco he was reminded of all the people he had let down over the years. The Weasleys. Hermione. Dumbledore. Cedric. Sirius.

As he thought of Sirius a fresh set of tears welled up in his eyes and he let them run freely. In Harry's mind he truly believed that he deserved to be feeling the way he was. It was his fault that Sirius had died and it was his fault that he had led his friends into such danger that night. He didn't deserve to feel happy. He deserved to feel down and depressed and he deserved it every time he cut himself. He deserved to let the blood run out of him and he deserved to have the marks which cluttered his arms.

He knew what he didn't deserve. He didn't deserve to have Draco kneeling beside him telling him that he wanted to help him. No. Harry didn't need help because he was getting just what he deserved and in a way he thought that although it would never be enough it was a part of making up for the events of his 5th year. In Harry's mind, his suffering was payment for the suffering he made his friends endure and it was payment for what happened to Sirius. He deserved exactly what he was getting.

However, when Draco pulled back Harry's robes and Harry looked into Draco's grey eyes he saw such a desire to help and such concern that he blinked just to make sure that he was seeing what he thought he was. He would never have expected this of the boy who used to be his arch rival. He had expected Draco to run to the Slytherins telling them that the Golden Boy had finally cracked and gone mad. He had expected Draco to congratulate him on helping to make Voldemort's job easier and possibly even offer pointers on how to go about it better. He had expected anything other than the warmth he had seen in Draco's eyes.

Harry rolled around so that he was facing Draco. He huddled his knees to him and wrapped his robe around himself.

"I can't."

Draco looked up at Harry cuddling his knees. It amazed him to see the person who was to be the saviour of the wizarding world reduced to the trembling bundle in front of him.

"Why not?"

Why? There were so many reasons, all of which Harry couldn't possibly dream of telling Draco.

"...I just can't, not now"

"Not now? Does that mean that maybe in the future?"

"Look Malfoy I can't now. Please just leave me alone..."

"Potter if you don't want to talk about it right now I can handle that but please can we just become friends and maybe eventually we can sort this out?"

Harry thought about this for a moment. Could he risk making another friend? It meant another target for Voldemort. But then again how could he be sure that Draco didn't just want to get in with him so that he could present him to Voldemort later on?

If Harry was honest with himself he no longer cared and there was still something about Draco's eyes that was haunting him. He decided to but his doubts and possibly his better judgement behind him and take Draco up on his offer.

"Ok. We can try but I'm sorry I can't promise anything"

Draco smiled. It wasn't much but it was a start.

"Ok. In that case...," Draco extended his hand, "I'm Draco Malfoy"

Harry smiled as he took Draco's hand. "And I'm Harry Potter."

---

Hey. Another Chapter done! Sorry it took a bit longer than the others but I'm kinda going through a bad patch right now and it's difficult to get in the mood to write but it really does help to write this because most of Harry's feelings are actually my own, even though I'm not and I'm pretty sure no-one is relying on me to save the world...at least I hope they're not coz if they are we are all dooooooomed! Thank you to everyone who reviewed. They really mean a lot to me :) I hope this chapter pleases a lot of you who were begging for an update. I will try to get another chapter out before Saturday if I can but no promises because to be honest I haven't exactly planned much further than here :P So anyway enough of my ramblings because it is 4am and I should probably get a little bit of sleep...maybe. Well you know what to do....REVIEW :) xxx


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